Ladies and gentlemen, I have some shocking news to report: I may have done something mean.
I know! I know! I’m so embarrassed. I can’t hardly believe it. Normally I would never do such a terrible thing; honestly, I may have had a little stroke.
I was at Starbucks, minding my own business – as well as everyone else’s in the damned coffee house because they all talk so freaking loud. And I’m not exaggerating either. I heard them over my very loud headphones and Pink telling me to blow her (one last kiss). At first I went to my friends to check to make sure my annoyance was justified and then to make sure I was about to perform the proper social protocol: throw burning coffee in their faces and yell at them to STFU. Apparently no, that’s not correct and they encouraged me to ignore it.
Ok. Ignored. Moving on.
I somehow managed to get some work done in the form of tomorrow’s post (it was going to be today’s but then I wrote this) and a confo critique for Fugly. At that point I was pretty proud of myself; I hadn’t yelled at anyone, I got some work done and I still had some coffee left to drink! All considered, not the worst night of my life.
Then I got to my car.
Some IDIOT had managed to park their teeny tiny car so horribly that I actually could not get my door open enough to even put my laptop bag in the passenger seat. Seriously, they drove some little two-door thing that was smaller than a Ford Focus! And, with the skill of a Nascar driver, had backed it in at such an angle that they were able to squeeze out the driver side door, but I couldn’t even get to mine!
Naturally, being the forgiving and magnanimous citizen that I am, I went to my passenger side, opened the door and found some paper and a pen to write them a note.
“Learn to goddamn park.”
Elegant and understated, no?
Ok, maybe I went for the obvious.
In retrospect, I wish I had written something at least slightly clever. You know, something along the lines of “social decorum now dictates that you take up only ONE parking spot at any given time” or “perhaps you should practice parking before venturing out in public ever again” or “I’m so sorry that my parking between the lines of one parking spot before you arrived affected your ability to park within another”. Perhaps the cleverness needs some work…
33 Comments
That happened to me one time. Couldn’t get into the drivers side and I was barely able to get in through my passangers side door. I had to think thin, open my door, raise my hands above my head to swueeze in and I barely got in. I was even deciding if I should climb on to my vehical and try and get in via my sky light that was opened. Then decided against it as I would probably have gotten stuck in said sky light trying to get into said blocked vehical. I mean really people REALLY?! Some people deserved to have their vehicals keyed and possibly windows smashed.
I always take up 2 parking spots—and, no, this is NOT illegal. However, I also park waaay in the back where nobody else does. So too bad if you don’t like it. I wouldn’t have to take 2 spots if it weren’t for the fools you describe . . . . My truck cost me a bloody fortune and I do not need some idiot parking on top of me and dinging my doors!!
At least yours is a truck! lol
When someone parks too close to my car–a classic ’91 Honda CRX in mint condition–I always want to slam, slam, slam my door into theirs to make room to get in, but then it’s obvious that doing so would damage MY car, so I refrain. Maybe I should memorize a suitable smart aleck remark that I can paint on their windshield with lipstick–emphasis on smart–but if their brain works so badly that they park like a moron, they wouldn’t understand what I wrote. I don’t wear lipstick, but I’d carry it just for the occasion when I could use it.
I have a beat up 1972 gmc blazer, and since its dented and scratched anyway whenever some parking impaired idiot gets so close that i cant open my door that car gets its ass wipped by my driver side door.
http://www.zazzle.ca/bad+parking+businesscards
O. M. G That is amazing! lol
I used to own a very compact 1981 honda civic hatchback that was missing the back seat (don’t ask… it had other issues too, but I only paid $200). When I saw that someone was taking up more than on spot and was not waaaay out back like bossmare I would take my civic and squeeze in next to that car and then crawl out the hatchback. I didn’t care if my car got dinged and I even had a guy leave a note on my car that simply said “well played”.
*one* spot… (grrr)
“well played” that made me literally LOL
I used to do that with my last car because I didn’t care about dings
I used to have a 78 lifted chevy pickup that was rolled and had dents all over it. I didn’t care if someone did something to the body of it. I would do the same thing with it and crawl out the passenger side. lol I got the thumbs up a few times when someone saw what I was doing. When ever I drove that, I would seek out the bad parking people lol.
One of my first cars was a Camaro, which needed all the space any parking space would offer. I had to learn how to back into parking spots, because the nose was so long, that some skinny spots didn’t give me enough room to get it in off of a turn(without rubbing paint off on a neighbor). There were many time I couldn’t get my huge, long doors open enough to let me get in. I had two solutions- on sunny hot days, I left my T-tops off and jumped in, NASCAR style. On not so nice days, I would pop the hatch and crawl in, in a much less dignified manner. I now have a grown up car, so I don’t usually have to do such contortions, but some days, I miss my Camaro.
I think you did a great job with writing that little memo for the idiot parker. I would’ve opened my door and gotten in the driver’s seat even if you technically “couldn’t open your door”. It’ll work if you push on the door hard enough…doesn’t matter if it dents and/or scratches the dipshit’s car.
Why is it that people suddenly become assholes when they get into a car?
Seriously, I’ve been driving for, oh 3 months now? 2 or 3 times a week at most? I did not realize exactly how many morons and assholes there are in the world until I started driving. I’ve had people honk at me for stopping AT A STOP SIGN. Honk at me for not turning at an intersection WHEN THERE IS TRAFFIC COMING. Pass me on the shoulder of the road because god forbid they have to slow down and weight 10 seconds while I turn off the road. And pass me even though I’m going 90 in a 70 zone. THE HELL.
Oh, yeah, and I’m driving a huge-ass Ford and can STILL manage to park without blocking people’s doors despite the fact that I’ve only parked in an actual parking lot, oh, 10 times? IT IS NOT THAT HARD.
People just have no manners.
Why can’t we correct people with bad manners the same way we correct horses with bad manners?
I’ve never posted here before, but I just HAVE to reply to this.
I’ve been driving for about the same amount of time as you, and I’ve reached the exact same conclusions.
When I’m out on the road, I’m convinced everyone else is trying to kill me, and that’s the train of thought that has gotten me off some potentially pretty bad situations.
I HATE driving because of that.
Ever since I got my driver’s license, my faith in human kind has been totally and completely lost. Snarky and Fugly made me lose most of it, driving simply was the last straw.
And don’t even get me started on taxi drivers. I thought the problem was only in my country (Portugal), but a recent trip around Europe made me realize that isn’t the case.
Haha, oh yes, it happens everywhere. I’m in Canada, and haven’t even driven through any of the “bad” cities yet. The one thing that got nailed home in Driver’s Training? DON’T TRUST ANYONE TO DO WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO! I’m a lot more comfortable now that I’ve had driver’s training (technically, I’ve had my learner’s permit for a few years and drove occasionally (like, once every couple months), but hated it. I only started driving regularly when I got training a few months ago), but give me a horse any day. At least they won’t crash into each other (most of the time) if the rider stops paying attention.
I like to joke that I’ll be totally set transportation-wise if some catastrophe happens and nobody can use cars, lol.
My drivers ed instructor actually told me (and I quote) “Never Let taxi drivers out. They will never let you out.”
L
Andddd That Random L shouldn’t be there…
Awkwardddddd.
Ugh I’ve been there with assholes in cars. I’m fully convinced that “full plate” drivers (we have a different system in Australia for licenses) are much worse than the P Plate drivers (I’m one, been driving for 2-3 years now). Came out of a parking today and this stupid ass keeps driving, I give her a glare, she gets pissy. Well don’t blame me if I smash the front of the car! One of those days I just want to turn off the car in the driver’s way and punch them.
I’ve had my share of bad parkers as well.
Our parking garage at work was apparently designed for SmartCars. Even if you are PERFECTLY between the lines, the other person cannot get out of their car if their car is a 2 door or they are bigger than, say, Nicole Richie. It is so annoying. The only way to avoid it is to drive all the way up to the roof on the 6th floor but then your car is an oven when you go to get back into it. Really poor design!
Of course, the other issue is that you just can’t fix stupid. I took this picture one morning! WTF?
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/553264_4296784023156_2027364294_n.jpg
Is anyone else feeding a slight itch to go slash to tires? No? Just me?
Well. maybe there’s a bit of postal in me just waiting to get out…
Carry on, then.
You know, i don’t even have a license yet, and the lack of any kind of manner of most drivers just, drives me up the wall, no pun intended. Sure, let’s block the entire traffic because you had to stop right in front of the coffee shop, even though there are a few parking spots just a few meters ahead! Yeah , let’s cut everyone off but you want to drive the fast last and decide to get off in the next exit AT THE LAST FREAKING MINUTE! So, i completely get you. In fact, I fear what may happened when I am no longer on the passenger seat, but actually behind the wheel… Heads will roll…
Also, going to the coffee shop, restaurant, whatever, and having to put your headphones on full balast because people don’t know how to talk without sounding like a bunch of hens in an over populated chicken coop! GOOD GAWD! Sometimes i just wish I could go on a killing spree. then i have to remind myself that a few idiots are not worth going to jail for. Besides, there are no horses in jail, so how could i survive there??
Ok, rant over. i think it’s time for my meds…
I had someone do this to me once, went into a store came out and couldn’t even open my truck door. LITERALLY, couldn’t open it. That is how close this person parked. I barely fit between the vehicles. So I opened my hatch(I drive a Tahoe), put the tailgate down and my friend and I waited for that driver. When the driver finally walked up, you could tell he had hoped he would get out before the driver of said Tahoe came back to see his parking job. I gave him an earful and he could not get out of their fast enough. If i did not want the karma of me doing something to his car I SO would have. But he would not have cared, since the passenger side was scraped and dented and the taillight was smashed and rear bumber being held on by red duct tape.
BTW there is a sticker you can get at the gun shows that is about as hard to peel off as the type of towing ticket they stick to your car window….Impossible, that tells the person just how much of a douche they are for parking that way. Then they tell you when you put it on their window, you take a razor blade and cut corner to corner, through the middle and then however many times you want. Classic!
The same thing happened to my mum at work today, she had her car parked perfectly in the office carpark, some douche came in and started telling her she couldn’t park and was stupid because he couldn’t get his car in beside hers, why because it would mean he actually had to use effort to park the damn thing!!!
I wish I drove a junker most of the time so that I could do the things that I really feel like doing when I see stupid, rude people driving. Instead, I drive a brand new pickup. I already have a door ding and it doesn’t even have 4000 miles on it (that has been there since the 1st week I owned it). I purposely park as far awar from anyone and anything as I can so that assholes will leave me alone. It doesn’t work and I constantly find that someone has joined me in the middle of nowhere, usually in a junker, and that they have parked way too close. I have taken to parking in the middle of nowhere and taking up 4 spaces. It doesn’t really fit well in two, anyhow…
I actually bought these years ago:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/62829777/you-park-like-shit-static-cling-parking?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_search_query=you+park+like+shit+&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_search_type=all
I never did use them…. lost them…. then really really really wished I still had them the other day.
http://xkcd.com/562/
hover over text makes me wish this were possible.
I don’t have a problem with shitty parking so much as people trying to kill me, including a semi with a reefer trailer and a dipshit who tried to play chicken without letting me know first. But the worst one of all was fuckwad who rear-ended me while I was st opped at a red light. He hit me hard enough to launch me through the whole intersection plus another 30 feet. There was no glass in the car, instead he had enough momentum to put it all on the ground. To make matters worse, he called his fishing buddy cop to make sure he didn’t get a ticket. Unfortunately for me, I was 16 and never thought to take it to court (any rear end accident in Oklahoma is automatically the fault of whoever did the rear-ending)
After that, I started driving like a saint, hollering apologies out the window if I fuck up, actually backing out and re-parking if I do a shit-tastic job the first time. However, I will not hesitate to smash your door with mine if you’re a douche, and you bet I’ll blow my speakers drowning out your shitty music I can hear from 2 lanes over. And yes, I’m guilty of keying someone’s car when their obviously-not-handicapped ass parked their MASSIVE truck in both handicap spots.
Now, all that being said, this is win.
http://theoatmeal.com/blog/car_needs
I wish I could have the lot of you over to visit here in Kuwait to experience some really bad parking and driving skills. My children have learned some very interesting words while riding aound with me here.
Myfavorite was in a jam-packed multilevel garage at the mall just before Christmas. Some incredibly self aggrandizing aszwipe pulled their brand new uberluxury SUV into the yellow striped section of a handicapped spot adjacent to the elevator lobby wall. Not a handicapped spot for the SUV, it was n the area of the legitimately parked handicap plated van w/ a lift next to it, where the wheelchair passenger is supposed to be able to get out & maneuver their wheelchair. It left about 14″ for the passenger in the handicapped van to get in & out. Although I’m sure it was plenty of room for the (likely size zero bimbette?) owner of the SUV, it left the person w/ the lift van stuck. Definitetly not in keeping w/ the holiday spirit, much less the law. Having just come from the Clinique counter, I had several brand new brightly shaded free lipsticks. I squeezed around said SUV and sacrificed several of the greasily moisturizing lipstick: wrote in huge letters on the front & back windshield & windows “SHAME ON YOU!!” Received several rounds of applause from shoppers who thought just the same thing. Hopefully having to employ some elbow grease, solvent & energy to get it off gave that Sheethead some time to think about doing the right thing!
OH, I got one too!
That reminds me of the time there was an asshole at the mall blocking both the emergency FIRE EXIT and the fire extinguisher!!
Unfortunately we couldn’t fin a single security guard at th mall to report this to.
You are my hero.
So glad you did that! People need to stop and think. The area blocked off near the handicapped space is meant for folks who are wheelchair/walker/etc dependent to be able to access their cars! A friend of mine is paraplegic. A few months back, as I left a funeral for a mutual friend, I noticed him sitting in his wheelchair by the parking lot just waiting. Turns out some jerk parked in the area next to his car (you know the area clearly striped in blue..) making it impossible for him to access his car. He didn’t want to go all the way back to the handicap entrance to the church (opposite end of the property) and start asking strangers whose car it was so he was just stuck sitting and waiting for the driver to show up. So I took his keys and backed the car out for him so he could wheel up to it. But if I had not happened along he may have been waiting a long time – in 90+ degree heat.