I kid you not, a bee the size of a Buick infiltrated my automobile today and tried to kill me.
My friend and I were driving down the highway after getting our nails done, windows open as it was a hot, sunny day (for once). I thought I saw, from the corner of my eye, something come through my window. Actually, I even thought I felt it hit my shoulder but assumed it was just a leaf or something as the highway was lined with trees. And, since I neither felt nor saw anything move, I thought nothing more of it.
My friend and I continued to chat for a few minutes, laughing and joking, not a care in the world. We eventually came to a red light. As we continued to chat I raised my left hand to my neck to lightly scratch at some small irritant. But what my hand touched wasn’t my neck.
“What the fuck?!” I screamed as I literally tried to jump out of the car. My foot came off the brake and somehow hit the gas, lurching us forward almost into the intersection. I managed to stop the car before we were in any danger, and thankfully no one was stopped in front of me at the light.
In my panic I had managed to fling whatever had attached itself to the back of my neck onto the ground by my feet. Of course, I was wearing flip flops and shorts and was immediately aware of a million tiny little insects crawling up and down my feet and legs.
“I don’t mean to alarm you but I’m being attacked,” I said to my friend.
“Hahahahahhahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha” was her supportive reply to my plight and potentially imminent death.
Of course, by then the light had turned green and I had to go or incite the motorists behind me to honk angrily. Well, I didn’t want that so off I went. I tried to maintain the speed limit and ignore the marching insect colony on my legs. I think I lasted all of 5 seconds.
“GET THEM OFF OF MEEEEE!” I screamed as I hit the gas pedal, giving up all pretense of vehicular safety and speeding towards the first feasible pull over spot I could find. Thankfully I found one not too far away. I barely got the car stopped and into park before my body, of its own volition, jumped out and started flailing about like a crazy person.
Yeah, there was nothing on my legs. There was, however, a stunned bee on my floor near where my left foot had been. I scooped him up in my sunglasses to set him free (I momentarily considered killing him but thought better of it, lest his kin seek revenge). I got the little bugger out of my car and tipped my sunglasses to indicate I was ready for him to fly away, except he hung on for dear freakin life. I had to shake my aviators just to get him off! Of course, then it occurred to me that if he’s well enough to fly he’s undoubtedly well enough to do battle. I rushed back into the safety of my car, realized the windows weren’t closed, closed them, and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” my friend was clearly in hysterics from this ordeal, I was worried her mind was broken until she said, “you should have seen your face!” as she wiped a tear from her eye. I can only assume she was alluding to my war face and that I scared the bee into submission.
And that is why I think the insects are trying to take over the world.
———–
Then later, after besting the dastardly bee, as I’m recounting this tale of misbegotten woe and abject terror to my mother, an ominously large fly lands on the stair next to me. It just sits there, clearly listening to my version of events. No doubt out on a reconnaissance mission and would be taking the information back to the insect leader to help them plan their next nefarious plot, not unlike Pinky and the Brain.
Beware and bee warned 
13 Comments
Them six leggeds are sneaky, crafty little buggers. You gotta let them know you mean business or else!
I almost died with laughter. This reminds me of my mother. The first time it happened to her, it was a brown wood spider that crawled through a cracked window. Worst part of it (for her) was that she was only dressed in her bath robe and pajamas. Her sister was in the passenger seat at the time and was laughing too hard to even attempt to help her. They were parked at a bank during morning traffic when this happened.
The second time, her and I were heading back home when a large grasshopper bounced of her mirror, hit the top of the open window and fell at her feet. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, foot to the gas pedal, and stomping the floor of the car with her other foot. I was laughing so hard I could barely breath. Finally, she was able to pull off to the side and I had to pick it up off the floor.
Living out in the country, I could never understand why all the other girls living near me were deathly afraid of bugs. Oh well, at least I get a good laugh out of it.
Hey Snarks.. it was a girl be.. a SHE… so I guess SHE BEE gettin down and dirty!! LOL
You do make me wonder if you are allergic to bee’s that is why most people are afraid of them, a phobia that sets in at a youngish age. My niece swells up from even a mosquito bite so you know she is bad if a bee stings or a wasp bites, or is a yellow jacket bites…
Earlier this year with all the warm weather the insects were out and about early, and she is freaking out about a fly, at the barn with the horses. I had to show her the difference so she doesn’t go spastic if on an outing with friends or class… Much thanks to her mother who apparently instilled the “ack a flying insect…. Like KILL IT!!” (said with a valley girl accent).
So you want to know some interesting fun facts… the longest lived 6 legged insect is a Cicada, they live under the ground for 17 years until they mature, climb out, molt into their adult form, mate, lay eggs and die… you usually hear them mid-late summer.
AND adult female tarantulas can live 30 years….tee hee…
hey.. hey.. i hear something behind you….
don’t look
Hey.. really don’t look
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
ACK!! A BEE!!!
Runs..
I told you NOT to look!!
hahahhaa Nope, not allergic. Nor am I scared of bees – I just have a thing about anything crawling on me that I can’t see. If I can see it and know what it is, it’s not that big of a deal – ok, well there are certain poisonous things I never want anywhere near me, but a bee? Normally I don’t care. But then again, when am I normal?
I am NOT a spider person. Nope, no way, no how…
Was on a trail ride in South Carolina on my greenbroke 3 year old filly, Ellie. I somehow ended up being the ONLY rider who did not see the huge golden web spider sitting in her web that was streched across the trail. Everyone else infront of us leaned over to avoid it but what happended? I got it full in the face. Now the golden web spider is not small (about 2 to 3 inches in diameter) but they are harmless (even though their bite can get infected) and not agressive. Now I started screaming, “Occupant! @#$%&*! Get it off me! Get it off me!” and actually STOOD UP on my saddle, not in the stirrups but literally somehow scrambled up onto te seat and stood on my horse. I was frantically swatting myself and the air and flailing about yelling and babbling in some language I didn’t even know….maybe Klingon….not sure. Finally someone rode up and calmly said, “It’s on the ground” and I shut up and then realized that I was standing on top of my calm, greenbroke filly with her head turned towards me and giving me a funny look as if to say,”What the hell are you doing up there Mom?” while the whole group sat calmly on their horses doing their best not to laugh. Then someone else snickered and said, “Trail Rider’s Terrets Syndrom….thats what she has….” and they all lost it and I sheepishly settled back down onto my saddle while they tried not to fall off their horses laughing at me. Once we started walking on again someone asked, “Do you want to sell that horse? After seeing that baby stand so quietly while you had your arachnid nuclear melt down on top of her, I’d snatch her up if you wanted to sell. She’s gonna be one damn good horse”
I’ve started to compile an “Incomplete List of Trail Rider’s Terms and Definitions” and #1 is:
Arachniphobic Fit: Usually affects only the lead horse and rider on a ride. Generally the horse could care less. Symptoms include frantic swatting at the air, ducking, flailing about, usually accompanied by screaming and shouts of, “Get it off me! Get it off me!”.
Trail Rider’s Terrets Syndrome: Closely resembles an Arachniphobic Fit, but usually accompanied by profuse shouted swearing.
Hahaha, that is great. I hate spiders. Seeing a spider in my tack/feed room: “shoo you nasty little bugger”. Running into a spider in the tack/feed room: “Ack, get off get off get off!” Finding a spider in my house: “AHHHHHHHHHHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE! DIE DEMON SPAWN! (said while standing on the highest surface possible or running out of the house) I don’t know why but I just cant stand them in my house. Same goes for bee’s anywhere, although I am allergic so yeah.
I discovered I was allergic the fun way. I went riding with a somewhat inexperienced friend on a trail ride, we went swimming, and as we went to exit the field we opened a gate…. that happened to be full of bees. We got stung the horses got stung…. it didn’t end well. Long and now kind of amusing story that involved 2 ambulances and a fire truck… (horses got spooked, friend fell, went to hospital and after hours of testing they discovered….. she bruised her tail bone.) When we got home I looked at my arm and it was huge and disgusting. Probably should have been the one getting examined but oh well.
I just saw this and had to share…
Apparently if you are a broodmare who has come up barren, and your asshat owners
can’t be bothered to get you broke to ride.
Well then Tadaaaa!!
You get listed on the Craigslist
http://madison.craigslist.org/grd/3115423788.html
13 Yr Old AQHA Mare – Free to Good Home (South/Central WI)
Date: 2012-07-02, 9:04PM CDT
Reply to: zfhjc-3115423788@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
1999 AQHA mare. Teacher, pasture mate, lawn ornament, or a child’s best friend! Has been shown extensively at halter, has the quietest disposition you’ll find and is sweet as they come. Edith is being retired from breeding, so we are looking to find her a retirement home. She is sound, though not broke to ride & not recommended for breeding. She would be best suited as a teaching horse for those just getting started in handling horses. She’s been there, done that, & is a gentle as they come. Approved home only. New owner to pay for Coggins & transportation.
Here is a screen capture of the ad, in case it goes poof
http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o122/Wnnahrse/Sorrelmare.jpg
The only animal phobia I have is to rabbits. I hate them. I had a dream once where I was being chased by a rabbit who ran up my shirt sleeve. I screamed, fell out of the bed and discovered the ‘rabbit’ was my Chihuahua just trying to snuggle in and stay warm. Wild bunnies are okay. Domesticated rabbits freak me completely out.
What kind of Childhood did you have? Were you fed pixie stix and coke the strapped to a chair and made to watch Donni Darko over and over and over?
I was bitten by a demon rabbit. That sneaky little fur factory went right through the web between my thumb and forefinger. I still have the scar.
Fire Ants. Do you know what happens if you try to kill a fire ant colony via “Blowin them thar right the Hell up?” It rains pissed off Fire Ants for about 50 meters in every direction. Now all the ants on my property have put some sort of Bounty on my ass. They have the numbers but I have the RAID!
One question for Snarky…..How in the world do you manage to work with horses AND go get your nails done on a regular basis? I could never keep salon nails more than a day around my horses with all the stuff we did daily. I gave up on having “pretty nails” years ago….
haha well I wouldn’t call it a regular basis, but I get “shelack” or whatever the hell it is (I’m not a very good girl, I go with friends who know what they’re doing and they tell me what to get). Normally I just get pedicures and those tend to last quite some time, being hidden in paddock boots and all.